Edwards drops out to spend more time with his hair
NEW ORLEANS — John Edwards announced Wednesday that his presidential bid has come to an end. An Edwards adviser said that the former Senator is looking forward to spending more time conditioning, brushing, and looking at his hair.
“I began my presidential campaign to remind the country that we have a moral responsibility to each other,” he said. “I came to realize that I have also have a moral responsibility: to my hair.”
“My haircut is always so perfect, so pristine, and hasn’t been messy in several decades,” added Edwards. “People think that this just happens naturally, but it takes hours and hours of preparation and I realize that it needs me now.”
Edwards said he had spoken to both of his Democratic rivals, and that they agreed to make his hair central to their campaigns.
“They have both pledged to me, and through me to America, that neither of them was ever as boyishly attractive as I am and that neither could ever come close to having the haircut of perfection that I am blessed with.”
McCain endorsed by Vietnam captors
In yet another example of the trend of high-profile endorsements for Sen. John McCain, a group of former North Vietnamese soldiers who held McCain as a prisoner of war for over five years has thrown support behind the republican presidential candidate.
In endorsing McCain, the group lauded the Arizona senator’s bravery, toughness, and heroism in light of horrible atrocities which were being inflicted upon him and thousands of other prisoners.
“We hereby endorse Lieutenant Commander John Sydney McCain for president of the United States of America,” said the group’s spokesman. “Our shared experiences in a very difficult situation forty years ago clearly demonstrates to us who has the right credentials to lead America.”
The endorsement is only the latest in a string for McCain, who won the Florida GOP primary after picking up the backing of Florida Sen. Mel Martinez and Florida Gov. Charlie Crist. He has sense been endorsed by Rudy Giuliani and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
McCain campaign officials had no comment.
Iowa captures all '08 candidates
State says it will only release prisoners if they promise to never come back to Iowa again.
Des Moines, Iowa — Representatives from the key primary state of Iowa announced today that state police have detained every major presidential candidate during various campaign stops over the past week. Governor Chet Culver released a videotape stating that the hostages would be freed only if Iowa was made exempt from the presidential primary election and that the candidates promise to never return.
Iowans took to the street by the dozen to celebrate the move.
“Every day it’s another goddamned barbecue with a politician,” said Des Moines resident Rich Madison. “This takes over our entire lives every four years. You just can’t know what it’s like.”
Due to Iowa’s early U.S. presidential primary election, the state has received intense attention from both presidential candidates and the international media. The drastic measures taken by the state may indicate that Iowa officials believe that the undue weight in determining party nominations is fundamentally unfair, or that the citizens of Iowa simply want news vans moved off their lawns.
“You can say that Iowans have a huge responsibility in helping to set the tone for the entire election cycle by building momentum for one candidate while stifling it for another,” said Madison. “But seriously, it’s not worth it. It’s time for somebody else take over.”
Reports have surfaced that the candidates are generally being treated well but that New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is likely to get executed for not obeying his captors.
President allows photos taken of himself with brown people
Bogor, Indonesia — In a move designed to stress a U.S. desire for stronger ties with Indonesia, President Bush allowed photographers to witness him casually talking with almost a dozen brown-skinned people. It marked the first time since the lead-up to the 2004 presidential election in which the President has been publicly seen with non-white persons.
The immense gesture of participating in a posed photo-opportunity with several actual brown people marks the greatest gift that the people of Indonesia has ever received from the U.S., even after the help Americans gave the country after the killer tsunami of nearly two years ago.
The world’s most populous Muslim nation, Indonesia is a key regional ally for the United States in its war against Islamic militants and looks to America for trade and investment, but many Bush administration policies, especially in the Middle East, are unpopular.
An unnamed White House official explained that the controversial move to allow the President to be seen with brown people was an option only due to Indonesia’s important role in the War Against Terror. “It wasn’t an easy decision to allow this, but they are an important ally and this President is serious about fighting Islamic extremists around the world, no matter what it takes.”
President Bush held a press-conference with Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono in Bogor, where cameras amazingly recorded no threat of air-strikes from Bush to the brown people seated before him.
Rumsfeld steps down to spend more time invading countries with no planning or intelligence, other hobbies
Source: Rumsfeld to singlehandedly take on North Korea, go fishing, next weekend
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned today in order to spend more time on personal hobbies such as beating baby seals to death and stalking writer Bob Woodward.
A source close to the former Defense Secretary said that his retirement means he’ll be able to spend more time on his greatest passions like invading other nations with reckless abandon and fishing.
A Department of Defense official said the resignation had nothing to do with the voters’ stinging rebuke on the Bush Administration’s handling of the Iraq war in Tuesday’s midterm elections.
Bush said that Rumsfeld will always remain a friend.
“Donald Rumfeld is a man of many interests, and he’s excited about leading massive defense failures on his own time,” Bush said in a post-election news conference.
Sources also say that Rumsfeld plans to start work on his memoirs, tentatively titled “Chicken Soup for the Warmonger’s Soul.”