The Ministry of Truth

Poll: 20% of Democrats are fucking idiots, other profanities

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 15:01:47 -0400

According to a poll of Democratic voters conducted by Franklin & Marshall College’s Center for Opinion Research, roughly 20 percent of respondents are goddamn assholes, shiteaters, and cockgobblers, among other descriptions laced with profanity.

The poll found that 20 percent of Obama supporters would vote for Republican John McCain if Clinton wins the Democratic nomination. Similarly, poll results show that 19 percent of Clinton supporters would vote for McCain if Obama wins the Democratic nomination.

Berwood Yost, director of the Floyd Institute for Public Policy, says that these numbers essentially mean that 20% of registered Democrats are cocksucking motherfuckers.

“We were surprised when we calculated the results to learn that one out of every five Democrats are total fucking shitbags,” said Yost. “But the numbers don’t lie. These people are moronic douchebags, and we have the evidence to prove it.”

One respondent to the poll defended his fuckhead position that he intends to cross party lines if his favored candidate does not get the nod.

“Look, I know the differences between Hillary and Barack are microscopic when you compare them to McCain’s positions. I know that both Democrats want to get us out of Iraq as soon as possible while McCain intends to keep us there for God knows how long. But this isn’t just about issues,” the stupid little mouthbreather said.

“My favorite candidate is just awesome and the other one is just a loser and I’m gong to do my best to prove that to everyone, no matter what.”

Family's heads explode after accidently watching 3 minutes of BBC World News

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:55:11 -0400

The Willis family of Wyoming, all fans of FOX News Channel since its debut ten years ago, watched Brit Hume and Shepard Smith over dinner every evening

Coroner blames tragic accident on faulty antenna, faggy Eurotrash

As Fox News Channel celebrates a decade of excellence in New York, a small town in Wyoming is seeking answers after a tragic incident in which an entire family’s heads all spontaneously exploded while enjoying dinner and the evening news.

Officials first on the scene in the normally quiet town of Ranchester said that the television was tuned to a public access channel with the day’s broadcast of BBC World News wrapping up. No signs of foul play were found in the Willis home, just as no explanations have been offered by the local police department.

While there were no witnesses who survived the terrible ordeal, neighbors said they heard shouting and screaming before the deep “thud” which blew out the living room windows at the Willis home.

“I was outside and heard Jack (Willis) screaming at the T.V., really mad,” said next-door-neighbor Brad Kuntz. “First it sounded like he was really confused, then like he was really angry, and finally like he was in some real pain.”

Another neighbor told investigators that he heard a woman pleading “It’s okay, it’s only that Alan Colmes wuss” in a probable attempt to calm the family down before they met their gruesome end.

A tape of the BBC World News broadcast from that fateful evening was obtained by local detectives, but no one has yet volunteered to attempt to watch it.

“God only knows what is on that tape,” said a city official who wished to remain anonymous. “I have nightmares just thinking what could be there.”

Election Day moved to yesterday due to terror concerns

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:01:00 -0400

Republicans pull off stunning upset

Official: Precinct voting locations, dates, times had to be kept secret for citizens’ safety

Washington — The national election scheduled for today has been rescheduled to yesterday, and preliminary results show that Republicans have maintained decisive control of Congress. The Federal Election Commission said that the threat of a major terrorist attack forced the rescheduling, which was so abrupt that the government had no time to inform citizens of the change.

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said that the threat of terror would not affect the outcome of a major election. “No terror threat will ever be allowed to stop Americans from exercising their right to choose to support the Republican agenda,” said Secretary Chertoff.

Officials credit the government’s total secrecy regarding polling locations and the date and times they would be open with the success of avoiding a major attack. “Al Qaeda would have loved to get some of that information, but we wisely kept it out of their reach,” said a Homeland Security official.

President Bush spoke to the nation after the low number of votes were counted by the handful of precincts who actually received votes. “The terrorists have lost again,” the President declared. “The winners are the American people who somehow found themselves in a polling location sometime between two o’clock and two-thirty this morning by some random act of God and were able to participate in the democratic process.”

Cheat codes for Diebold voting machines to enhance voting experience

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:01:00 -0400

Official: “What good is democracy if it’s not fun and unpredictable?”

Diebold Elections Systems confirmed today that the latest version of their proprietary voting software includes numerous cheat codes which can be used by voters to unlock special ballot areas which award votes to candidates via several unique, interactive methods.

Video-game channel G4’s Cheat! series originally broke the story during last week’s broadcast after a review of Diebold’s brand-new software.

A Diebold official acknowledged the presence of the cheat codes, which have since been published on several websites and in gaming magazines.

“The cheat codes are there to make voting more fun,” said a Diebold spokesperson. “This way, if you get stuck on the second level of a screen of boring amendments, you don’t have to just quit. You can enter a code and it opens a whole new realm of entertainment and interaction.”

“Our research shows that the demographics of voters are changing, that younger people are using our products. This is merely an effort to reach a new audience. We’re a business after all, and satisfying our customers is our bottom line — whether it’s a state elections official or not.”

Reports of working cheat codes and their effects are floating around the internet in forums and chat rooms.

“To get to the networked version of Grand Theft Auto: Washington, DC, you hit ‘Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start’ before you do anything. You’ll then be able to play against any other voters in the same precinct as you,” read one example found at a cheat code community website.

“The best advice I can give you is to find a Rampage power-up and take out as many people who are registered as whatever political party you want to nail — just look for the elephant or donkey icon over their heads — or looking at the skin color often is just as good if you’re mowing people down en masse. Also, the flame thrower is your friend,” the website informed.

Early voters claim that Diebold’s tweaks truly enhance the voting experience.

“They’ve really improved the graphics. The modeling and shading is beautiful, and if you’re any good you can get your candidate an extra thousand-or-so votes,” said a Volusia County, Florida man who voted early.

“Unfortunately, the dude next to me kinda sucked, so he had negative votes for his candidate after it was all over, whoever that was” said the voter. “Sorry dude, but that’s democracy. Right?”

President expected to remind nation that he still has 357 days to fuck you up

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:00:49 -0400

President Bush’s last State of the Union address is expected to serve as a harsh reminder to the American people that he doesn’t leave office until January 20, 2009, still providing him ample opportunities to personally rape the entire world, administration officials said.

Bush will systematically go though the litany of plans he has for the rest of his term, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said. These initiatives may or may not include at least one more war in the Middle East, dissolution of the United States into the new American Union, and the revocation of Amendment 22, which concerns presidential term limits.

“The president also wants to ensure the American people not get distracted by the primary elections currently taking place,” Fratto said. “He’s still the president and he can send anybody to Guantanamo Bay, whether they’re running for president or not.”

The president spent Sunday afternoon at the White House rehearsing the address and its elaborate special-effects laden finale.

Edwards drops out to spend more time with his hair

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:00:46 -0400

NEW ORLEANS — John Edwards announced Wednesday that his presidential bid has come to an end. An Edwards adviser said that the former Senator is looking forward to spending more time conditioning, brushing, and looking at his hair.

“I began my presidential campaign to remind the country that we have a moral responsibility to each other,” he said. “I came to realize that I have also have a moral responsibility: to my hair.”

“My haircut is always so perfect, so pristine, and hasn’t been messy in several decades,” added Edwards. “People think that this just happens naturally, but it takes hours and hours of preparation and I realize that it needs me now.”

Edwards said he had spoken to both of his Democratic rivals, and that they agreed to make his hair central to their campaigns.

“They have both pledged to me, and through me to America, that neither of them was ever as boyishly attractive as I am and that neither could ever come close to having the haircut of perfection that I am blessed with.”

McCain endorsed by Vietnam captors

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:00:28 -0400

In yet another example of the trend of high-profile endorsements for Sen. John McCain, a group of former North Vietnamese soldiers who held McCain as a prisoner of war for over five years has thrown support behind the republican presidential candidate.

In endorsing McCain, the group lauded the Arizona senator’s bravery, toughness, and heroism in light of horrible atrocities which were being inflicted upon him and thousands of other prisoners.

“We hereby endorse Lieutenant Commander John Sydney McCain for president of the United States of America,” said the group’s spokesman. “Our shared experiences in a very difficult situation forty years ago clearly demonstrates to us who has the right credentials to lead America.”

The endorsement is only the latest in a string for McCain, who won the Florida GOP primary after picking up the backing of Florida Sen. Mel Martinez and Florida Gov. Charlie Crist. He has sense been endorsed by Rudy Giuliani and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

McCain campaign officials had no comment.

Iowa captures all '08 candidates

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0400

State says it will only release prisoners if they promise to never come back to Iowa again.

Des Moines, Iowa — Representatives from the key primary state of Iowa announced today that state police have detained every major presidential candidate during various campaign stops over the past week. Governor Chet Culver released a videotape stating that the hostages would be freed only if Iowa was made exempt from the presidential primary election and that the candidates promise to never return.

Iowans took to the street by the dozen to celebrate the move.

“Every day it’s another goddamned barbecue with a politician,” said Des Moines resident Rich Madison. “This takes over our entire lives every four years. You just can’t know what it’s like.”

Due to Iowa’s early U.S. presidential primary election, the state has received intense attention from both presidential candidates and the international media. The drastic measures taken by the state may indicate that Iowa officials believe that the undue weight in determining party nominations is fundamentally unfair, or that the citizens of Iowa simply want news vans moved off their lawns.

“You can say that Iowans have a huge responsibility in helping to set the tone for the entire election cycle by building momentum for one candidate while stifling it for another,” said Madison. “But seriously, it’s not worth it. It’s time for somebody else take over.”

Reports have surfaced that the candidates are generally being treated well but that New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is likely to get executed for not obeying his captors.

President allows photos taken of himself with brown people

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0400

Bogor, Indonesia — In a move designed to stress a U.S. desire for stronger ties with Indonesia, President Bush allowed photographers to witness him casually talking with almost a dozen brown-skinned people. It marked the first time since the lead-up to the 2004 presidential election in which the President has been publicly seen with non-white persons.

The immense gesture of participating in a posed photo-opportunity with several actual brown people marks the greatest gift that the people of Indonesia has ever received from the U.S., even after the help Americans gave the country after the killer tsunami of nearly two years ago.

The world’s most populous Muslim nation, Indonesia is a key regional ally for the United States in its war against Islamic militants and looks to America for trade and investment, but many Bush administration policies, especially in the Middle East, are unpopular.

An unnamed White House official explained that the controversial move to allow the President to be seen with brown people was an option only due to Indonesia’s important role in the War Against Terror. “It wasn’t an easy decision to allow this, but they are an important ally and this President is serious about fighting Islamic extremists around the world, no matter what it takes.”

President Bush held a press-conference with Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono in Bogor, where cameras amazingly recorded no threat of air-strikes from Bush to the brown people seated before him.

Rumsfeld steps down to spend more time invading countries with no planning or intelligence, other hobbies

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0400

Source: Rumsfeld to singlehandedly take on North Korea, go fishing, next weekend

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned today in order to spend more time on personal hobbies such as beating baby seals to death and stalking writer Bob Woodward.

A source close to the former Defense Secretary said that his retirement means he’ll be able to spend more time on his greatest passions like invading other nations with reckless abandon and fishing.

A Department of Defense official said the resignation had nothing to do with the voters’ stinging rebuke on the Bush Administration’s handling of the Iraq war in Tuesday’s midterm elections.

Bush said that Rumsfeld will always remain a friend.

“Donald Rumfeld is a man of many interests, and he’s excited about leading massive defense failures on his own time,” Bush said in a post-election news conference.

Sources also say that Rumsfeld plans to start work on his memoirs, tentatively titled “Chicken Soup for the Warmonger’s Soul.”

President's Easter prayers for troops only heard by Gods with a sense of humor

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0400

Fort Hood, Texas — President Bush, worshipping at an Army post, prayed for peace Sunday in an Easter service about avoiding the forces of sin and doing what is right.

“I had a chance to reflect on the great sacrifice that our military and their families are making,” Bush said outside the chapel at Fort Hood, Texas, after the service. “I prayed for their safety, I prayed for their strength and comfort, and I pray for peace. And I did it all with an open heart and a straight face.”

Theological reports indicate that the fundamental hypocrisy in the President’s prayer ensured it would only be heard with deities with an extraordinary, almost supernatural sense of humor.

“Only the Gods most delighted with irony would hear this prayer,” said Dr. Horace Allen, Professor of Worship, Boston University School of Theology.

“Poseidon has a great sense of humor, for example. There’s a lot more to Him than the whole ‘ocean thing’. I expect that He’d get a kick out of it,” said Dr. Allen.

Back at the Crawford ranch, the Easter menu included fire-glazed ham, green chili cheese grits souffle, roasted orange molasses sweet potatoes, roasted asparagus, coconut cake and tears shed by cute baby animals.

Report: America hated by all people on Earth, several smart monkeys

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 16:59:32 -0400

An alarming number of world citizens and intelligent primates hold anti-American views

WASHINGTON — A new survey conducted by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center show anti-American views are held by everyone outside America in addition to a growing consensus of intelligent primates. All people around the world oppose President Bush, and look unfavorably at U.S. motives in the Mid-East.

The findings suggest that America’s international public image has fallen even farther than had been previously suggested, as primates were never included as an official demographic prior to this study.

“It’s one thing for France and Germany and Spain and all Muslim nations to hate us, but they are technically the same species as us,” said Harvard Professor of Anthropology Henry Davis. “What’s intriguing here is that this hatred spans across varying life forms. This is a new kind of symbiosis that has never been observed before in the history of nature.”

“We’re even seeing some preliminary results now that some types of birds have strong feelings about the war in Iraq, but more experiments are necessary,” said Davis.

Some scientists believe that a new type of macro-evolution is taking place which was spurred only by the actions of the United States’ foreign policy.

“Seriously, thank goodness for America’s botched foreign policy. It’s brought all creatures on the world together as one,” said a grateful researcher, excited about the prospects of the discovery.

6-year-old holding George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator Doll...

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 15:40:08 -0400

6-year-old holding George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator Doll hostage

Boy’s home is surrounded by Secret Service and Homeland Security-coordinated SWAT forces

Eugene, Oregon — A George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator Doll is being held hostage by 6-year-old Timothy Jennings in the garage of his home, according to the Department of Homeland Security. Reports indicate that the 12” action figure has been held against its will for several hours and that a small firecracker has been fastened to the toy’s authentic flight suit.

“I blow up, go boom,” Timothy told a negotiator sent into the Jennings home by local police. “I hate doll, hate doll. I want X-Box, X-Box, X-Box!”

Vice-President Dick Cheney quickly took to the airwaves to try to calm the citizens around the world who’ve been watching the tense drama unfold. “Initial indications are that this is related to terrorist activity,” Cheney said. “We are dealing with the treat in the best possible way, and we will prevail.”

Negotiators on the scene said that Timothy is acting completely irrational and refuses to answer questions regarding which terrorist-sect he is currently working for and which foreign governments have offered him financial support during his stay in the U.S., if any.

Officials said that the explosive device, while small, has the potential to cause devastating damage to the doll. “The firecracker is in a bad spot for the George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator action figure. If it goes off from its current location, well, we’re not going to need any medics,” said an ATF spokesman.

The suspect’s parents were still in shock from watching their son turn to terrorism so abruptly. “Timmy hasn’t ever done anything like this,” Andi Jennings said. “I don’t know where we went wrong. I’m pretty sure he got the firecrackers from those bad kids down the street.”

The doll, available for $29.99 from KBToys.com, was given to Timothy yesterday by his grandparents. Neighborhood sources say that Timothy thought the doll was “really stupid” after playing with it for twenty minutes.

Officials recovered the opened box which contained the doll from the Jennings’ garage and confirmed that it is indeed a limited-edition “recreation of the Commander-in-Chief’s appearance during his historic Aircraft Carrier landing” on the USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1, 2003.

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge told reporters that “Americans should know that every available resource has been deployed and additional resources are being directed to this critical rescue mission.”

Osama bin Laden personally campaigning for several Republicans

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 20:38:00 -0400

Bin Laden said to be upbeat on campaign trail

With less than three weeks before the November election, the al-Qaida chief is traveling around the country at breakneck speed to help as many Republican candidates as possible.

The public appearances to support the candidates come on the heels of a new ad released by the Republican National Committee which prominently features Bin Laden.

Bin Laden appeared with Sen. Rick Santorum at a “Get Out the Vote” rally today in Philadelphia and with Sen. Lincoln Chafee in Providence, RI yesterday evening.

RNC officials said that it wasn’t an easy decision to ask Bin Laden to hit the campaign trail, but that recent predictions of several key Republican losses forced their hand.

“He’s a really great guy for the world’s most wanted terrorist,” said a White House official. “He was nice enough to appear in our ad, and to go on the road in this crunch-time really shows his dedication to wanting the current US regime to remain in power.”

President finally leaves Sarasota classroom after finishing "My Pet Goat"

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 10:40:00 -0400

Bush: “Did I miss anything big?”

Sarasota, FL — President Bush completed reading children’s book “My Pet Goat” with an elementary school class early today and finally allowed the students and teachers in attendance to leave the classroom. Bush began reading the book on the morning of September 11, 2001 and has been criticized for staying in the classroom instead of providing leadership to a country in need.

The President emerged from Emma E. Booker Elementary School this morning looking dazed and pale, before asking aides if he had missed anything important during his extended reading session. “We had a good lesson, good readers in there,” the President said. “What day is it now anyway? Everything okay here?”

Teacher Sandra Kay Daniels had to teach her students to survive on paste found in an art-supply bin. Even so, most of the children were weak from malnutrition after such a lengthy lesson.

“My legs are broken from sitting in that stupid desk for so long,” said one second-grader. “Who was that dumb a— in there?”

Report: Americans feeling pinch of worldwide freedom supply shortage

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 17:26:00 -0500

Official: “There’s only so much freedom in the world to go around. As Iraqis gain freedom, Americans lose it.”

GENEVA — Officials at the International Freedom Monitoring Center released a distressing report today outlining their dire predictions for the future of worldwide freedom supply shortages which could affect Americans for years.

“There’s only so much freedom in the world to go around. The Iraqis are using up all of the freedom reserves with their new liberation, and Americans are paying the price with a strained freedom supply back at home,” said Jean-Marc Boulgaris, author of the study.

“I mean, what if the Americans liberate Syria or North Korea next? Does anyone realize that if there’s another single jolt to the freedom supply, America will become a totalitarian state?” said Boulgaris.

“America’s freedom levels are already near record lows,” he said.

The White House scoffed at the Center’s claims, pointing out that America still has enough freedom reserves to last another several years.

“Don’t forget, our respected scientists haven’t found anything to suggest that freedom is on a decrease here in America,” said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R- Texas). “However, I’m afraid you must be placed under arrest immediately for asking that question.”

Gore escapes from cage, gives speech at NYU

Tue, 12 Aug 2003 17:40:00 -0400

New York — Former Vice President Al Gore escaped from his underground Washington, DC compound into a surrounding forest last week while a handler was absent from his post. Gore gave a speech at New York University immediately after his escape, and authorities fear Gore could give more speeches to the public unless he is recaptured soon.

“We’re trying to get the word out that the former V.P is on the loose, and could be in this area,” Manhattan Chief of Police Dave Rewitz said. “If you have small children, make sure you keep and eye on them at all time.”

Gore was last seen several hours after his escape by a woman in New York City who called the police, but they arrived too late to capture him.

Gore’s handlers have unsuccessfully tried a variety of methods to catch him, from sprinkling sleeping potions to setting up large nets in a forest where it is thought that he is hiding.

President orders air strikes against jackass with leaf blower next door

Tue, 12 Aug 2003 17:39:00 -0400

Loud noise from device had disturbed the serenity of Bush’s vacation at his Texas Ranch

Crawford, Texas — President Bush ordered full military air strikes against the jackass with the leaf blower next door from the backyard hammock of his ranch in Texas this afternoon.

President Bush announced the start of the military campaign against his next door neighbor’s Lawn Specialist in a televised address to members of the Crawford Homeowners Association.

“American forces are in the early stages of military operations to disarm the jackass next door with his irritating leaf blower and to free the people of this peaceful subdivision,” Bush said.

Administration sources said the decision to strike came after a meeting in Bush’s backyard in which the President was becoming increasingly frustrated with the defiance displayed by the jackass and his leaf blower. Pentagon officials told Bush that the they could lose the “target of opportunity” if they didn’t act quickly, and the President gave the green light.

“I’m laying back on my hammock here, just trying to relax with some of Laura’s fine lemonade,” the President said to reporters. “And before I can even start to enjoy it, this jackass next door starts revving one of those awful leaf blowers. He was at it for nearly half an hour before I took him out.”

President Aces Prostate Exam, Reconsiders Gay Unions

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 17:42:00 -0400

Bethesda, MD — President Bush is considering a major shift in his stance on the hot-button issue of gay marriage after he underwent his annual physical at National Naval Medical Center this week. A major portion of the examination was a prostate exam, which medical personnel on the scene described as “exhaustive.”

A White House source confirms that the President has “suddenly changed his entire way of thinking about this issue,” and that the President’s “eyes have been opened.”

Doctors declared that President Bush is in superior fitness and that “all data suggests that he will remain so for the duration of his presidency.”

Dr. Richard J. Tubb, who performed the delicate prostate examination on President Bush, said that it was an honor to ensure the President’s health. “I was nervous about this procedure, because how often do you have the President of the United States in this vulnerable of a position? My training taught me to just take the task slowly, carefully, and affectionately,” said Dr. Tubb.

“You have very soft, gentle hands,” remarked the President to Dr. Tubb during the procedure, according to nurses in the examination room.

In an unusual scheduling move, President Bush will undergo another physical later this week. A receptionist at the National Naval Medical Center confirmed that Bush requested the additional appointment himself for unspecified reasons.

President to wear flight suit at all public functions

Thu, 19 Jun 2003 17:59:00 -0400

Washington — President Bush made remarks at the annual Congressional Picnic on the South Lawn yesterday wearing the flight suit that he donned for his historic landing on the USS Lincoln in May. White House officials said that the President would wear the suit at every public function until election day in 2004.

Advisers said that the decision was made based on the success of Bush’s flight to the aircraft carrier and the lengthy discussion it spurred on how “macho,” “studly,” and “hung” it made the President look.

“To be honest, the idea came to us because he was already wearing the flight suit around the residence and at all his meetings. There’s a rumor that he even sleeps in it,” a White House source said. “So we knew it made him feel comfortable, and we knew the positive reaction it got with soccer-moms and homosexuals around the country.”

Meanwhile, pundits were busy praising the President and his aides’ decision on cable television.

“Not only does he have every woman’s vote in the United States of America, but he has the envy of every man in the country. Size does count, and everyone at the annual Congressional Picnic got a real treat,” G. Gordon Liddy said on MSNBC’s Hardball. “Oh mama, just look at his package! Put the children to bed!”